Telestial State

A website about Utah politics, gossip, religion, and other ugly things that go bump in the night.

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Now that Mittens is the presumed nominee (candidate-elect?), everyone who washoping for something better wary to endorse him before has to come around and pledge their allegiance to the party.

He is the clear choice in an uninspired - and now dwindling - field. […] Romney’s finger-to-the-wind tacking across the political sea leaves us to wonder if he is anchored anywhere. But it also gives us hope that he can cast adrift the worst impulses of the political right once the nomination is his.

Wow. Just look at that resounding vote of confidence from the Wisconsin Journal-Sentinel. The very fact that there are no legitimate challengers left means we must endorse him! Even if we have no idea who he’ll be in 6 months.

Next up, the circus of bigotry known as the National Organization of Marriage:

We are proud to endorse Mitt Romney for President,” said Brian Brown, NOM’s president. “Governor Romney was an early signer of NOM’s presidential pledge which represents his commitment to the nation to take specific actions as president to preserve and protect marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

I hope they wrote that pledge on something not prone to jostling. We wouldn’t want the Etch-A-Sketch to get knocked and have their pledge turn into something that would drive a wedge between socially conservative African-Americans and Gays…oh wait. Don’t worry though. NOM covered their bases, with everyone from dribbly Rick Santorum to Newt Gingrich signing their pledge “to defend marriage”. In Newt’s case, they redacted the retroactive section and tailored his pledge to provide an out for wives with cancer.

Florida Governor Rick Scott:

Mitt Romney will be our party’s nominee and it is critical that all Republicans coalesce behind Governor Romney* and focus on electing him as President so he can put the policies in place to create jobs, turn our economy around and get federal spending under control.

We’re stuck with him, so we’d better elect hisshiny metalass!

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham:

Now is the time to get behind Mitt Romney as our presidential nominee so that every corner of the Republican Party is united.

Yes! The time is NOW! Because there’s nobody else left for us to pick from who is stupid enough to run at this juncture.

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush:

I am endorsing Mitt Romney for our Party’s nomination.

Wow! Stunning work of prose, and few words from a man with few brain cells. Also quoted in the WaPo article, the generic senior Republican operative. “He’s lost any hope that we’ll have anyone better.” So has America, senior Republican operative. So has America.

Unemployed Godfather’s CEO Herman Cain:

I have always said I will support whoever the nominee is and it looks like Mitt Romney’s going to be that nominee, and we do need to get behind him.

Not mentioned in Herman Cain’s press release was that he sent a note to Romney telling him “he knew what he needed to do” to get Cain’s endorsement. On an unrelated note, how do you get Godfather’s grease and Cain semen out of a suit jacket?

Senator Jim DeMint:

I can tell conservatives from my perspective is that, I’m not only comfortable with Romney, I’m excited about the possibility of him possibly being our nominee. Again, this is not a formal endorsement and I do not intend to do that right now, but I just think we just need to look at where we are.

Ah the classic non-endorsement endorsement. It’s like DeMint wrote his endorsement on some flimsy substrate, that when knocked just right would dislodge what he wrote and erase it. I think children would like playing with something like that. I’ll call it the Sketch-N-Etch!

The Duggar Family:

In the general election, we will be voting for the Republican nominee.

They couldn’t even be bothered to endorse Romney by name, proving once again that you really have to be brain damaged to turn your wife’s vagina into a clown car. All they know is that the Republican war on contraception will hopefully provide them with a few friends who also have 19 (and counting!) children they can trade horror stories with.

Yes, you can really feel the excitement behind this nominee. It’s the same excitement I feel when I get to “choose” where to buy my liquor in this state…


*We all know that Rick Santorum is much better at coalescing behind people.